Overcoming Sexual Abuse

This is going to be short and sweet but I HAD to share it!

I stumbled across this blog/website on accident but after exploring it, I am so grateful I found it! The woman who runs it, Christina Enevoldsen, is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and writes openly about her experiences. The main purpose of the blog is to reach out to others who need help through their journey of healing.

This kind of resource could be the perfect fit for someone who is feeling a little timid about sharing their secret and can get some support and help in a more anonymous way. Christina writes articles and also provides personal coaching, online courses and books!

The website is called Overcoming Sexual Abuse. This woman is incredible to share her story and then to be able to turn around and offer hope and healing to others is amazing and it warms my heart.

If you have some time, check it out for yourself and maybe share it with those who might need it. Healing requires owning our story, and that calls for a support system!

What To Do If Your Child Discloses Abuse

It is every parents’ worst nightmare to find out that their child has or is being sexually abused. But the scary reality is that 1 in 5 children will be sexually abused by the time they turn 18. So what do you do if your child discloses that they have been or are being abused?

• Stay calm. I know this seems counterintuitive to what you would be feeling at the time, but it’s critical to be as calm as possible. Any intense emotion that you express can scare your child or make them feel like they’ve done something wrong. This is especially true with anger, they will internalize those emotions and think that you are angry with them.

• Ask open ended questions. Don’t ask detailed questions that may lead the child’s answers. Ask questions like “Who is hurting you?” “Can you tell me what happened?” “What happened next?” Give them a chance to tell their story in their own way without making any assumptions of who it was or what might have happened. Don’t push them for information that they are not ready to share.

• BELIEVE THEM. Tell them that you believe them. There are so few false reports of sexual abuse. Younger children who wouldn’t even know how to come up with that information without some inappropriate exposure to sexual content in some way. I’ve heard so many stories of children who finally disclosed that they were being abused and the person they told brushed them off and told them there was no way that could happen. This will compound their trauma and they won’t try to disclose again. If you child reports that someone is abusing them, believe them, no matter who it is they report is the offender. The chances they are lying about it are SO slim.

• Assure them that the abuse is NOT their fault. It’s impossible to overemphasize this point. Every victim will think that they are to blame for the abuse and they need as many people as possible to remind them that it is not their fault. Often the abuser manipulates the child to think that they are somehow responsible for the abuse. They need to hear the opposite message from you, over and over again. 

• Report the abuse. ALWAYS assume that an offender has, is, or will abuse other children. Most child sexual abusers have multiple victims. If everyone would report them, DCFS and the police would have much more evidence to do something about it. Report any information you have to the DCFS reporting line 1-855-323-3237. You may think that you can confront the abuser and make them promise to never do it again, but they will. If that doesn’t convict you enough, it is the law that anyone 18 and older who knows about or suspects child abuse of any kind, is required to report it. As long as you report in good faith, there won’t be any legal repercussions for you.

• Be patient and provide your child a lot of love. Whether or not DCFS pursues an open case against the offender, your child will need your patience and support. Seek professional help through the Children’s Justice Center or the Children’s Center. Find a therapist who has experience in sexual trauma and get your child help as soon as possible. The sooner they get help, the less severe their trauma symptoms will be.

Remember, the fact that your child is telling you about their abuse is a huge strength and something that probably made them very nervous or scared. Often,the offender has threatened to hurt them or their loved ones in order to keep them silent. The most important thing you can do for your child is to be calm, loving and supportive. They need to know they have someone in their corner fighting for them. I know it’s scary to even imagine that this could happen in your own family, but it’s better to be prepared than to bury your head in the sand. 

If we support our children when trauma happens, they are better able to move forward in life and be successful, confident adults.

Recognizing Red Flags

** Trigger Warning**

I always have to remind myself to soften my tone and way of speaking when I reach a topic like childhood sexual abuse. I research, treat and talk about it so often, I find myself slightly desensitized to the words used and the feelings that come up. Not so much that I become harsh or uncaring, but enough that I have to step back and remember that others need a minute to swallow the topic at their own pace. So I will try not to overwhelm my readers.

I felt a push to write this post in the wake of all the Harvey Weinstein/sexual assault news. To be honest, I have no idea who he is or the details of what happened. What I do know, is that people like Weinstein operate in the same way. He perpetrated on grown women, but there are those who perpetrate on children with the same modus operandi. I want to spread the word on what that MO looks like.

We need to start with the basics; childhood sexual abuse is a type of abuse in which an adult or adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation. It can take the form of touching and non-touching offenses. For example, taking sexually explicit photographs of a child or exposing oneself to a child is a non-touching offense. I imagine you understand what a touching offense would be.

Now imagine a perpetrator in your mind. What do they look like? Growing up, I always pictured this:

We all learned about stranger danger and this was the image we had implanted in our minds, right? The scary truth is that actual perpetrators can look like our friends, family, coaches, teachers, and religious leaders. 90% of the time, perpetrators are someone in our social circle; perpetrators are charming and smooth. Snake-like, if you will. Perpetrators all use a similar process called grooming. The grooming process looks like this:

Step 1. Target their victim

Typically, perpetrators tend to seek out children who are more vulnerable; children who come from a chaotic home, who lack a father figure, are emotionally needy or isolated. However, these aren't the only children at risk and don't assume your child might not be a target simply because your home is stable.

Step 2. Establish a connection with the victim

Once a target is identified, the perpetrator begins to build a relationship with the child. Maybe spending extra time with the child and making the child feel "special."

Step 3. Gain trust

It's very important for the perpetrator to gain trust. Not only the trust of the child, which can come easily, but also the trust of the family so that they are allowed access to the child.

Step 4. Isolate the child

As the relationship is established and the perpetrator has easy access to the child by permission of the parents, the perpetrator begins to look for opportunities to be alone with the child. Maybe giving them a ride home from practice, taking them on special outings alone etc. They have to have privacy to abuse the child.

Step 5. Sexualize the relationship

The perpetrator will always be testing the boundaries to see what they can get away with. As they begin to sexualize the relationship, they will start simple. They may start telling inappropriate stories or jokes, using crude language, encouraging or talking about masturbation, showing the kids pornography etc. At some point they start incorporating touches: stroking their hair or rubbing their back which moves to hugs, which moves to kisses and on and on. They start small in order to desensitize the child. 

Step 6. Maintain control 

Once the abuse is happening the perpetrator will rely on guilt and shame to keep the abuse a secret. Often it becomes threats to the child's safety or the safety of the child's friends and/or family. They use the activities throughout the grooming process to guilt the child: "If you tell, I'll tell your parents that you looked at pornography with me."

Perpetrators are sneaky and are good at what they do. An article I read once referred to perpetrators as "being in the business of being liked." There couldn't be a more perfect way to describe them. If you are concerned about the behavior of someone who seems to take particular interest in your child, trust your instinct! You are responsible for the well-being of your children and you have EVERY RIGHT to establish boundaries and raise concerns. Watch for the red flags, set up some family safety rules and review them often. Not everybody is a perpetrator and we don't need to live in fear. Just trust your gut!

Childhood sexual abuse happens to 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys by the time they are 18 years old. I can't emphasize enough how important it is for us to be aware of that statistic. Think of the children in your life; whether they are your own kids or kids you care for in some way. 1 in 5 of those children will be sexually abused by the time they are 18 years old. It's happening all around us.

So let's change that together! Keep yourself educated and involved with organizations like Darkness to Light or Defend Innocence. Both have Facebook pages to like and follow. Check out their websites and then share what you learn with those around you. If you are interested in learning more, I volunteer with Defend Innocence and facilitate a 1 hour class on childhood sexual abuse which covers the grooming process, what to look for and how to help. Please reach out if you are interested in the class.

We have to be in this fight together. Education and awareness are the first steps.