I always have to remind myself to soften my tone and way of speaking when I reach a topic like childhood sexual abuse. I research, treat and talk about it so often, I find myself slightly desensitized to the words used and the feelings that come up. Not so much that I become harsh or uncaring, but enough that I have to step back and remember that others need a minute to swallow the topic at their own pace. So I will try not to overwhelm my readers.
I felt a push to write this post in the wake of all the Harvey Weinstein/sexual assault news. To be honest, I have no idea who he is or the details of what happened. What I do know, is that people like Weinstein operate in the same way. He perpetrated on grown women, but there are those who perpetrate on children with the same modus operandi. I want to spread the word on what that MO looks like.
We need to start with the basics; childhood sexual abuse is a type of abuse in which an adult or adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation. It can take the form of touching and non-touching offenses. For example, taking sexually explicit photographs of a child or exposing oneself to a child is a non-touching offense. I imagine you understand what a touching offense would be.
Now imagine a perpetrator in your mind. What do they look like? Growing up, I always pictured this:
We all learned about stranger danger and this was the image we had implanted in our minds, right? The scary truth is that actual perpetrators can look like our friends, family, coaches, teachers, and religious leaders. 90% of the time, perpetrators are someone in our social circle; perpetrators are charming and smooth. Snake-like, if you will. Perpetrators all use a similar process called grooming. The grooming process looks like this:
Step 1. Target their victim
Typically, perpetrators tend to seek out children who are more vulnerable; children who come from a chaotic home, who lack a father figure, are emotionally needy or isolated. However, these aren't the only children at risk and don't assume your child might not be a target simply because your home is stable.
Step 2. Establish a connection with the victim
Once a target is identified, the perpetrator begins to build a relationship with the child. Maybe spending extra time with the child and making the child feel "special."
Step 3. Gain trust
It's very important for the perpetrator to gain trust. Not only the trust of the child, which can come easily, but also the trust of the family so that they are allowed access to the child.
Step 4. Isolate the child
As the relationship is established and the perpetrator has easy access to the child by permission of the parents, the perpetrator begins to look for opportunities to be alone with the child. Maybe giving them a ride home from practice, taking them on special outings alone etc. They have to have privacy to abuse the child.
Step 5. Sexualize the relationship
The perpetrator will always be testing the boundaries to see what they can get away with. As they begin to sexualize the relationship, they will start simple. They may start telling inappropriate stories or jokes, using crude language, encouraging or talking about masturbation, showing the kids pornography etc. At some point they start incorporating touches: stroking their hair or rubbing their back which moves to hugs, which moves to kisses and on and on. They start small in order to desensitize the child.
Step 6. Maintain control
Once the abuse is happening the perpetrator will rely on guilt and shame to keep the abuse a secret. Often it becomes threats to the child's safety or the safety of the child's friends and/or family. They use the activities throughout the grooming process to guilt the child: "If you tell, I'll tell your parents that you looked at pornography with me."
Perpetrators are sneaky and are good at what they do. An article I read once referred to perpetrators as "being in the business of being liked." There couldn't be a more perfect way to describe them. If you are concerned about the behavior of someone who seems to take particular interest in your child, trust your instinct! You are responsible for the well-being of your children and you have EVERY RIGHT to establish boundaries and raise concerns. Watch for the red flags, set up some family safety rules and review them often. Not everybody is a perpetrator and we don't need to live in fear. Just trust your gut!
Childhood sexual abuse happens to 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys by the time they are 18 years old. I can't emphasize enough how important it is for us to be aware of that statistic. Think of the children in your life; whether they are your own kids or kids you care for in some way. 1 in 5 of those children will be sexually abused by the time they are 18 years old. It's happening all around us.
So let's change that together! Keep yourself educated and involved with organizations like Darkness to Light or Defend Innocence. Both have Facebook pages to like and follow. Check out their websites and then share what you learn with those around you. If you are interested in learning more, I volunteer with Defend Innocence and facilitate a 1 hour class on childhood sexual abuse which covers the grooming process, what to look for and how to help. Please reach out if you are interested in the class.
We have to be in this fight together. Education and awareness are the first steps.
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