What To Do If Your Child Discloses Abuse

It is every parents’ worst nightmare to find out that their child has or is being sexually abused. But the scary reality is that 1 in 5 children will be sexually abused by the time they turn 18. So what do you do if your child discloses that they have been or are being abused?

• Stay calm. I know this seems counterintuitive to what you would be feeling at the time, but it’s critical to be as calm as possible. Any intense emotion that you express can scare your child or make them feel like they’ve done something wrong. This is especially true with anger, they will internalize those emotions and think that you are angry with them.

• Ask open ended questions. Don’t ask detailed questions that may lead the child’s answers. Ask questions like “Who is hurting you?” “Can you tell me what happened?” “What happened next?” Give them a chance to tell their story in their own way without making any assumptions of who it was or what might have happened. Don’t push them for information that they are not ready to share.

• BELIEVE THEM. Tell them that you believe them. There are so few false reports of sexual abuse. Younger children who wouldn’t even know how to come up with that information without some inappropriate exposure to sexual content in some way. I’ve heard so many stories of children who finally disclosed that they were being abused and the person they told brushed them off and told them there was no way that could happen. This will compound their trauma and they won’t try to disclose again. If you child reports that someone is abusing them, believe them, no matter who it is they report is the offender. The chances they are lying about it are SO slim.

• Assure them that the abuse is NOT their fault. It’s impossible to overemphasize this point. Every victim will think that they are to blame for the abuse and they need as many people as possible to remind them that it is not their fault. Often the abuser manipulates the child to think that they are somehow responsible for the abuse. They need to hear the opposite message from you, over and over again. 

• Report the abuse. ALWAYS assume that an offender has, is, or will abuse other children. Most child sexual abusers have multiple victims. If everyone would report them, DCFS and the police would have much more evidence to do something about it. Report any information you have to the DCFS reporting line 1-855-323-3237. You may think that you can confront the abuser and make them promise to never do it again, but they will. If that doesn’t convict you enough, it is the law that anyone 18 and older who knows about or suspects child abuse of any kind, is required to report it. As long as you report in good faith, there won’t be any legal repercussions for you.

• Be patient and provide your child a lot of love. Whether or not DCFS pursues an open case against the offender, your child will need your patience and support. Seek professional help through the Children’s Justice Center or the Children’s Center. Find a therapist who has experience in sexual trauma and get your child help as soon as possible. The sooner they get help, the less severe their trauma symptoms will be.

Remember, the fact that your child is telling you about their abuse is a huge strength and something that probably made them very nervous or scared. Often,the offender has threatened to hurt them or their loved ones in order to keep them silent. The most important thing you can do for your child is to be calm, loving and supportive. They need to know they have someone in their corner fighting for them. I know it’s scary to even imagine that this could happen in your own family, but it’s better to be prepared than to bury your head in the sand. 

If we support our children when trauma happens, they are better able to move forward in life and be successful, confident adults.

Trauma Symptoms in Children

Think about the last time you got hangry. Be honest, we all get this way. Maybe you got snippy with a family member or friend? When we get hungry we feel discomfort and we are more susceptible to being irritated and acting out. Most often we snap at those we care about and our hunger is manifested through our behavior. Sound familiar?

Now think of a child, whatever age you can identify with at the moment. Imagine this child has been abused in some form, or maybe abandoned by a biological parent (or both). This child has many underlying and difficult emotions including feeling rejected, hurt, guilt, shame, or insecurity to name a few. Now think of the children in your life. How many of them are able to clearly communicate that they are feeling rejected or ashamed? I imagine the number would be small.

Children don't typically turn to words to explain what they are feeling or experiencing. They communicate through their play and their behavior. Children who have a hard time regulating their emotions tend to act out and often are labeled as “difficult” children or my least favorite term “oppositional.” 

When a child has experienced trauma, particularly complex or long-term trauma, their brains don’t have the chance to develop correctly. During a traumatic event, the brain does not need the logic/reasoning frontal cortex area of the brain. It needs the fight/flight/freeze center, called the Amygdala. When a child experiences chronic trauma/abuse, that emotion center becomes more used than the other parts of the brain. Our brain is essentially a muscle, and just like a bicep or a hamstring, as we use the muscle it becomes stronger. For a child who rarely needs the logic center and constantly relies on the emotion/fear center, that part of the brain will be overdeveloped and the logic/reasoning will be underdeveloped.

This means we are left with children who are unable concentrate and manage impulses. These children are often written off with negative labels or diagnosed with ADHD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder and are heavily medicated. The problem with medication is that it only treats symptoms, it doesn’t fix the underlying issues. This is where a trauma-focused approach is helpful; understanding that there is much more going on than the behaviors. This is not to say that medication isn’t helpful, because it can be very effective for children who truly have ADHD or need the help to take the edge off of intense emotions enough for them to begin to learn other coping skills. If you are hoping that a medication will "fix" a child, then you will be disappointed over and over again. You have to get to the root of the problem; the emotions. 

If you see this kind of issue in your own children, take some time to explore feelings with them. Engage in play with them and let them lead, you will learn a lot about their worldview. When you notice your child is particularly ornery or acting out, give them a time-in rather than a time-out and use that time to talk with and teach them about emotions, especially the difficult emotions like sadness, anger, shame, insecurity, loneliness and grief. Help them learn that talking about their emotions is brave and helpful and not something to be afraid of.

Children will learn what they observe in their families. The way we cope with our issues and feelings will set the tone for how they deal with their feelings. Remember, children may not have the same responsibilities that adults do, but they experience all the same feelings and are less-equipped to deal with them without help. Difficult behavior means an unmet need.