Think about the last time you got hangry. Be honest, we all get this way. Maybe you got snippy with a family member or friend? When we get hungry we feel discomfort and we are more susceptible to being irritated and acting out. Most often we snap at those we care about and our hunger is manifested through our behavior. Sound familiar?
Now think of a child, whatever age you can identify with at the moment. Imagine this child has been abused in some form, or maybe abandoned by a biological parent (or both). This child has many underlying and difficult emotions including feeling rejected, hurt, guilt, shame, or insecurity to name a few. Now think of the children in your life. How many of them are able to clearly communicate that they are feeling rejected or ashamed? I imagine the number would be small.
Children don't typically turn to words to explain what they are feeling or experiencing. They communicate through their play and their behavior. Children who have a hard time regulating their emotions tend to act out and often are labeled as “difficult” children or my least favorite term “oppositional.”
When a child has experienced trauma, particularly complex or long-term trauma, their brains don’t have the chance to develop correctly. During a traumatic event, the brain does not need the logic/reasoning frontal cortex area of the brain. It needs the fight/flight/freeze center, called the Amygdala. When a child experiences chronic trauma/abuse, that emotion center becomes more used than the other parts of the brain. Our brain is essentially a muscle, and just like a bicep or a hamstring, as we use the muscle it becomes stronger. For a child who rarely needs the logic center and constantly relies on the emotion/fear center, that part of the brain will be overdeveloped and the logic/reasoning will be underdeveloped.
This means we are left with children who are unable concentrate and manage impulses. These children are often written off with negative labels or diagnosed with ADHD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder and are heavily medicated. The problem with medication is that it only treats symptoms, it doesn’t fix the underlying issues. This is where a trauma-focused approach is helpful; understanding that there is much more going on than the behaviors. This is not to say that medication isn’t helpful, because it can be very effective for children who truly have ADHD or need the help to take the edge off of intense emotions enough for them to begin to learn other coping skills. If you are hoping that a medication will "fix" a child, then you will be disappointed over and over again. You have to get to the root of the problem; the emotions.
If you see this kind of issue in your own children, take some time to explore feelings with them. Engage in play with them and let them lead, you will learn a lot about their worldview. When you notice your child is particularly ornery or acting out, give them a time-in rather than a time-out and use that time to talk with and teach them about emotions, especially the difficult emotions like sadness, anger, shame, insecurity, loneliness and grief. Help them learn that talking about their emotions is brave and helpful and not something to be afraid of.
Children will learn what they observe in their families. The way we cope with our issues and feelings will set the tone for how they deal with their feelings. Remember, children may not have the same responsibilities that adults do, but they experience all the same feelings and are less-equipped to deal with them without help. Difficult behavior means an unmet need.
